


I'm Sorry

by Dragon_King



Series: The Hero of My Heart [1]
Category: BnHA, Boku no Hero Academia, My Hero Academia, mha
Genre: Angst, Artist!Deku, Character Development, Hurt, Hurt No Comfort, I promise it doesn't end here, Katsuki's POV, Quirkless Izuku, Suicidal Attempts, Suicidal Midoriya Izuku, Third Person POV, guilty bakugou, limited third person pov, no forgiveness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:35:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28444785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dragon_King/pseuds/Dragon_King
Summary: Katsuki had never felt guilty for anything in his life. Why? Well, he'd never needed to. No one had ever made him acknowledge his faults or apologize for them, so why would he know when he'd need to?
Relationships: Bakugou Katsuki&Midoriya Izuku - Relationship
Series: The Hero of My Heart [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2131266
Comments: 8
Kudos: 106





	I'm Sorry

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by another Lycoperdon animatic. I couldn't stop thinking about it, which meant that I had to write about it. I know I'm already writing a suggestion piece (sorry, Lady_Alice, I'll get the first part out soon) but I couldn't take my mind off the video and I just knew it was going to eat me alive. Metaphorically speaking. Please go support Lycoperdon on YouTube; their art style is amazing.

Katsuki had never felt guilty for anything in his life. Why? Well, he'd never needed to. No one had ever made him acknowledge his faults or apologize for them, so how would he know when he'd need to?

* * *

His relationship with Izuku Midoriya had always been a little rocky, even before Katsuki had gotten his Quirk and Deku was named Quirkless. Katsuki would travel around with his friends while Deku tagged behind like he belonged. Katsuki had always thought he stuck out like a sore thumb. Somehow, his plain features made him stand out, probably because everyone else was so interesting looking. 

Katsuki, naturally, was the first in their little group to get his Quirk, and, just like him, it was amazing. Explosions to match his explosive personality. No one had ever heard of anything more fitting. Until they'd heard about Deku's 'condition'. No Quirk to match his plain face. Katsuki and his Quirk seemed to be a match made in Heaven while Deku's was a match made in Hell. 

More than anything, it pissed Katsuki off whenever Deku was babied. It clear that the little shit hated the pitied looks on people's faces when they looked down on him, as if he would completely shatter if he stepped wrong. He didn't hate it because he knew that Deku was the complete opposite of weak. He hated it because that meant that more people hovering over Deku meant fewer people drooling over Katsuki and his amazing Quirk. He needed people to know that he was amazing, even useless Deku. Everyone needed to know. 

* * *

The nickname 'Kacchan' had spread like a disease. Deku had been too stupid to pronounce Katsuki's name correctly, so he settled on calling him 'Kacchan'. As soon as everyone else heard it at Primary School, they took to calling him that like bees on honey. Though Katsuki hadn't demanded they stop until Middle School. 

Looking back on himself now, Katsuki wondered why he'd been so wrapped up in himself and how great he was. His mom always tried to tell him it was because no one had ever told him 'no' before. It was a nice sentiment, but she'd been in that same boat too. Never telling him to stop when he was being a brat, and refusing to reprimand him when he needed it. He now knew she should've been better. That was hard to come to terms on; she was his mother after all, but when he finally did, he found it was better to sleep at night, at least a little. Not because he needed someone to blame, but because it had put his mind at rest as to what had gone wrong. Though that day at the river would also be a good place to start. 

* * *

Katsuki looked down at his hand. Over fifteen years ago he had made the biggest mistake of his life, which led to the scariest just five years ago. He was twenty now, and finally bucking up the courage to try to make up for it. 

* * *

When Deku had jumped off the school roof, he hadn't felt guilty. No tinges of remorse touched him. He was angry. Not because he wanted Deku to live. That was the worst part. He wasn't concerned about Izuku's life at all. He was still wrapped up in his own little world, refusing to acknowledge anyone else outside his bubble.

He'd marched into the hospital, slamming Izuku's door open and yelling like he had personally offended Katsuki. Still, he felt no pity. 

Izuku had been wrapped like a mummy. Bandages around his head and arms. Katsuki couldn't see below the blanket, but he was sure that there had been bandages wrapped around those skinny little legs too. 

At first, Izuku had refused to look at him, opting for gazing out the window into the clear blue sky. Children had been running around outside. It was beautiful, as if an amazing human being hadn't just tried to kill himself. He had refused to see it then, but it felt wrong now. Izuku Midoriya was a living embodiment of a saint, and he tried to die, and hardly anyone cared. His mother had nearly had a heart attack, and the Bakugou parents were worried, but that was it. 

Katsuki remembered marching through the room and gripping the small boy's arm. He needed Izuku to know he was there. Katsuki was positive he'd been hurting him by holding him so roughly, but he never reacted. He just slowly turned his head away from the window and gave Katsuki one of the deadest looks he'd ever seen. Bright, shining emerald eyes were dull and lifeless. The circles under his eyes looked like they'd been drawn on by a sharpie. He remembered reeling back slightly at the sight. That look- that look of complete and utter indifference destroyed Katsuki more than it should've. He shouldn't have cared as much as he did about what Izuku thought of him, but he did. He was feeling powerless, and those years of Izuku trailing after him like a small duck had been like a drug. Katsuki was addicted to the attention. Though he was sure he'd been aware of that for a while. 

"What?" Izuku's voice was course and deadened. Something raw climbed up Katsuki's throat. Still, it wasn't grief or remorse. 

"What the hell is wrong with you, Deku?!" He roared. He gripped tighter on Izuku's arm; his slack face remained unchanging. 

"Go away, Bakugou. I know you aren't here to apologize." _Bakugou_. The name echoed and rattled inside Katsuki's skull. Not once, in their entire lives, had Izuku ever called him by his surname. It felt like a slap in the face and a punch in the gut. He didn't dwell on the feeling long, however, and stepped back with a scoff.

"Apologize?" He turned his nose up at him. "Why would I ever apologize to someone like _you_?" Izuku didn't answer him, just pressed a red button next to his bed and before long, Katsuki was being escorted from the room, cursing and yelling.

* * *

Katsuki didn't need anyone to tell him he had been a despicable human being. Calling him an 'ass' or a 'prick' could never come close to what he was in Izuku's eyes. It was an injustice so say otherwise. 

So why was he trying now? Five years later, he stood in front of a plain gray door with the apartment number _2B_ in rusted gold. Katsuki had begged Mrs. Midoriya for his information. He made his intentions clear the best he could, and even asked his parents to be there. Mitsuki Bakugou was about as honest as they came, and she was willing to telling Inko how much he had changed on his behalf. Still, she'd been wary to tell him where her precious son lived, and when she had finally told him, Katsuki didn't even try to hold back the tears of gratitude. 

He knew he had changed, but Izuku didn't know that. As far as he was concerned, Katsuki was still a sociopathic little kid who set little boy's worlds on fire just for the hell of it. 

* * *

With a shaky hand, he rapped gently on the door. He could distantly hear music on the other side. A faint, but happy, 'be right there!' sent Katsuki's mind back to before Izuku looked ready to run whenever they happened to be walking towards each other. 

The door opened in what seemed like slow motion. Katsuki was met with those forest green eyes. Like emeralds delicately placed there. Two gems Katsuki had so easily tarnished, now brighter than he'd ever seen them. Paint flecked over his face like additional freckles. It didn't take long for the bright smile to instantly fall, though Katsuki could never say he was surprised. 

"Bakugou," His voice was only slightly deeper than it used to be. He looked almost exactly the same. Katsuki tried not to flinch when Izuku used his surname.

"H-hey," the word caught in Katsuki's throat. His hands were sweating far more than he could've ever imagined. And he'd imagined. Worst case scenario, he'd make a complete fool of himself. Best case, well, Katsuki wasn't holding his breath for anything good to come out of this. 

Izuku leaned against the door frame. He looked so much more relaxed than Katsuki ever thought he could. It was clear he had nothing to do with it.

"How did you know where I live?" His tone was bitter, bordering on accusatory. He was clearly expecting Katsuki to say he'd been stalking him. 

"Y-your mom g-gave it to me." He fumbled through his explanation. He looked down, away from the familiar glowing green eyes. His brows furrowed together before he forced them to relax. This was so hard. He never expected it to be easy, bearing his soul and apologizing for every single little thing he'd done over the past fifteen years, but why did he feel like he couldn't breathe. 

"Is there something you need?" Katsuki could hear the nervous crack in his voice. Katsuki looked up for a brief moment, he caught the sight of scars running over Izuku's fingers. Nausea rose up in his throat. God, he had put those there. 

"Umm- yeah, actually." He silently thanked whatever god looking down at them for letting him get through that small sentence without stuttering like a fool. "Well, more like something I need to do." He felt braver now. He cleared his throat, met Izuku's powerful gaze, and then dropped his torso into a perfect ninety-degree angle. He heard the soft _thump_ of Izuku's socked feet as he jumped back in surprise. 

"Midoriya-" the name tasted odd in his mouth; not as odd as the salty taste of oncoming tears on his tongue. "Midoriya," he said again, his voice involuntarily dropping lower, "I know words will never make up for the things I've done to you in the past," This part was familiar. He'd rehearsed it in the mirror over and over again. Without fail, every time, tears would well up in his eyes. "And I know I'm late in saying this, but I am _so_ fucking sorry. I can't even _begin_ to make up for fifteen years of torment, but I want you to know that if I could take it _all_ back, every second, every minute where I pushed you down like you were nothing, I would. I would do it so goddamn quick." His back ached from the strained position, but he didn't dare move. Didn't dare breathe. Tears spilled over his cheeks, wetting his boots and the floor; he didn't care. 

There was no sound. Katsuki's heart pounded his chest like it wanted out and his blood roared in his ears, but that was it. 

Until there was the ominous echo of Izuku closing his door. The slow creaking sound repeated in Katsuki's ears like a death toll. 

_Worst case scenario it is._

* * *

Katsuki never expected Izuku to forgive him, but that didn't make it hurt any less. When he sulked into his own apartment only a little while later, he skipped the shower, he walked past the punching back hanging from the ceiling, and collapsed onto his bed. Never had the plush comforter felt so cold and uninviting. What did he think would happen? Izuku to run into his arms with tears in his eyes? Thanking him for apologizing, even if it was an eternity later than it should've been? If that was the case, then surely Katsuki was no different than before. Still prideful and expecting people to fall at his feet the moment he opened his mouth to speak. 

That night, he didn't sleep. He didn't cry like he thought he would, which was a tiny bonus; he just stared out the window at the city lights. Not unlike Izuku had done in the hospital. 

All their lives, the only thing Katsuki had ever done was hurt Izuku Midoriya. Sure, he was a sidekick now at Endeavor's agency along with his son, but that didn't matter. The one person Katsuki was supposed to be a hero for...

He let out a soft sigh.

Izuku had never gotten his hero. A long time ago, there was a day when Katsuki looked over at the small boy with the sparkly eyes and the wild hair, digging around in the dirt for bugs, and thought, ' _I want to protect him_ '.

Kacchan would be so disappointed. 

**Author's Note:**

> Series had a name change.


End file.
